I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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Oh deer
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now