My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
It’s the weekend y’all
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
This will teach them to underestimate me
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.