Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?