Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”