Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
You Might Also Like
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.