Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children