told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
😆this is so true
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines