Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?