Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Midwest trash talk
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.