I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
scares
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
next level snooze
Waiting for the Charmin
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.