Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
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[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
#Caturday
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati