I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot