chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.