TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.