Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Autocorrect completely socks
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this