Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍