Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
This is enough internet for the day.