ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.