us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
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good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe