I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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When you try jalapeños for the first time
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I’m giving up ice.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no