[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.