I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
You Might Also Like
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Guantanamo Bae
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
🤭😂
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.