Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Bike is short for Bichael.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.