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Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Bruh PLEASE
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?