*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[classified ads]
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.