computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Perfection.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Who does Amazon think I am?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”