Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
You Might Also Like
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
the battle rages on
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
all bases covered
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!