Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Sounds like a bargain
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry