Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
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My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.