caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh