The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.