I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
found my next D&D character name
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*