Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.