I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
How all things should be taught/explained.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.