My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
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[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.