The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat