People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
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|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Most fashion shows these days…
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.