Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
You Might Also Like
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days