[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.