People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
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Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?