Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Awwwww shit.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.