You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe