Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
If looks could kill
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Worst Native American name ever.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
buys donuts instead
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
🚲+physics = winner