confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“you changed” bro i was 15
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”