Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
馃摳: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
You don鈥檛 scare me. I used to work retail.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I鈥檒l have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke鈥檚 on him this year: I haven鈥檛 touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Beware of the dog..
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don鈥檛 have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don鈥檛 even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let鈥檚 do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I鈥檝e been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
