clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes