Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want