An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Note to self: I am a note
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I feel it
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???