If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
6. me as a lawyer
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.