“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma